I don’t like to think I define the way I feel based on what I am wearing, but I fear it is starting to head that way.
Today I was a picture of ‘mummy’s going crazy’ wearing my coffee stained dressing gown with a messy up do and no make up to cover these god
awful dark circles under my sleep deprived eyes!
My reason for failing to comply to our normal routine of getting dressed in the morning was because everything about our routine has been out the window in recent times.
With builders turning up at 7.30 every morning working on the house I have become more tea maker and
cleaner than anything else.
This morning just went from bad to worse so I did decided to take a moment whilst the sound of drilling vibrated through the house, to sit in Francis’s room and have prolonged morning cuddles whilst watching the moomins eating marmite on toast.
The frown that has become a permanent feature on my face was soon turned into smiles when I heard Francis say ‘marmite marmite’ with such delight – his speach is really coming along suddenly.
So I sat drinking my third coffee staring at the toys surrounding my feet and wondered why I was still wearing my dressing gown!
Things are not going to change unless I take the right steps. By allowing myself to be eaten by anxiety and doubt it is only stopping me from seeing the beauty that is around me.
The beauty in my family and my dear friends, my home and of course the lovely places that surround my home places that used to inspire me.
Dipping in and out of work has defiantly proven to be a brave move. When I am working I have complete control and focus. When I am at home I am forced into a strange sense of panic I convince myself that the house needs to be perfect with smells of baking wafting out of the kitchen, Francis must be entertained and played with all day. I still sing Five monkeys jumping on the bed whilst taking a pee with Francis in there with me just to keep him happy – when he is happy I am happy. Or at least that’s my logic.
In conclusion to my dressing gown melt down I have decided that while I am not working for a while I need to stop being so hard on myself and give in to that force that’s pulling me down. And for now its ok to want to wear something nice even if its just to do the shopping, because it makes me feel good.
Dressing gowns don’t.
I would like to say that although I am painting a terribly negative picture of my day, things did progress into a standard lovely day. Francis helped me bake and we finally got round to carving our small pumpkins, he loved scooping the flesh out and getting all messy with me.