I felt a great sense of isolation.
My hands paused over the keyboard, my finger tips touching every key as if the computer was something new for my hands to feel.
My head bursting with ideas I felt incapable of articulating any of my thoughts. Frustration gave me the heads up that more coffee was needed. I felt times constraint as Francis’s nap hour dwindled, each minute was sacred and I wanted to make the most of this new found me time.
Planning Instagram posts I start procrastinating, my attention altered and lost in the pretty pictures I was scrolling through. I take a picture of my coffee cup it had been there quite some time before I thought it would be a good idea to photograph. The deception was already in place when I captioned the picture with ‘enjoying my HOT coffee’ it wasn’t hot at all it was warm.
12 likes that’s it.That is all I needed to make me feel less alone, suddenly I was reaching out to 12 people.. 12 people I don’t know but 12 people who noticed me. This feeling lingered and gave me enough fuel to last the rest of Francis’s nap time.
House work interrupted my writing but I promised myself I would work at it again, until then I would post more pictures on my Instagram to feed my need to feel attached to something.
Afternoon: Staring at the shiny red train which was being rolled over my bare feet a trance that kept me from loosing it, one that I often found myself locked in.
I can’t work out how many minuets go by before I snap out of these long trances but it is most likely when the sound of Francis’s little voice is begging me to play with him.
I comply of course and I happily play toy cars for what feels like hours. When I feel as if there is no chance of guilt creeping up and I have excelled in the play time hour, I give myself a few moments to hug my hands around a hot cup of tea.
Dipping in and out of these bouts of loneliness is something most people don’t now about me, something I hide well when meeting people or even socialising with friends.
But since I have started ‘vlogging’ and capturing my life in the form of ‘best bit’s and merriment I can’t help but feel bad for leaving behind a truth that suffocates me on a daily basis.
The internet has allowed me to connect with so many people in so many ways, and for that I am pleased to have these platforms. But my addiction and need to be liked has left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and one I wish I could shake off.
I still plan on filling the creative gap I had longed for since becoming a mother, but I will remind myself to be cautious not to get trapped in the hype.
With all my efforts and energy going into being a mum, I often forget the importance of socialising and I guess that is something I will have to work on. Relying on strangers to pick me up and make me feel like a somebody is not the way forward.
I am sorry this is not my usual post – it is something that is so heavy on my chest at the moment that I felt compelled to share. The irony of this statement goes against everything I am trying not to do!