I am not quite ready to let go of that hand when you are exploring. I want to hold it tightly to ensure you don’t tumble and hurt yourself.
If you graze your knees which happens so often, I want to be the one to give you novelty plasters and ‘magic cream’ to sooth your sores.
I know how devastating you find it when your car display has been spoiled and the train tracks you have put together wont fit properly.But I wont be there to understand your frustration and comfort you when you get mad.
Some mornings are slow and breakfasts are eaten in my bed, our feet tucked under the duvet we watch cartoons and plan our day. You always rest your head on my shoulder so I can feel you chomping away at your cereal getting most of it on the bed. I love those mornings but didn’t realise how much I loved them until now.
We will have to get used to the rush of getting ready and preparing you for your busy morning now. But I promise we will still have lazy starts on odd days they are secretly my favorite.
Before this day came I imagined a sense of freedom and space allowing me to do things for me. It pleased me that I was able to get this time and start ticking of those jobs I have been so desperate to get done.
Now it is the night before your very first day I am a wreck.
It is like someone has told me I will never see you again – irrational and possibly hormones making it worse I feel devastated.
I am mad that I get angry at you for asking a million questions, or for the times you don’t listen. The times your stamp those tiny feet in some sort of toddler rebellion. I am annoyed that I didn’t have more fun and laugh more with you because when we do laugh and let go we are so much happier with life.
I am sad that I can’t somehow be invisible so I could stay with you by your side as you play and learn. I could make sure you are safe and no one is being mean to you.
But my invisible hands wont be there tomorrow or the next day because you are a big boy now or so they say, and it is time for a new chapter time to grow and develop even more.
Those hours will feel so long for me but fueled with plenty of jobs and coffee eventually it will become routine.
I sniffed your hair tonight the way I did when you were just a baby, I let the tears drop down onto your knotty wild hair and felt so lost with the change.
The truth is you have been my best friend for three whole years now, those lonely days I write about so much would have been a lot more lonely without you around.
You may only be a tiny person but we have had so much fun, you have given me a new meaning of life. Although our days are not always perfect and motherhood is not always a walk in the park, I am not the same when you are not here it’s like I don’t have a purpose all of a sudden.
Francis started nursery. Another mile stone reached.
I filmed a ‘day in the life’ on Francis’s first day of nursery. To check it out just click the YouTube icon on my blogpage to be directed to my channel (uploads are every Wednesday)