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Autumn Child.

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I swam in darkness with my legs dragging behind me.

Barely floating


The emotion was messy and unwanted like frayed edges of a loose stitch. I was not
depressed
I was sad. 

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It was as if getting to know my second baby was something unnatural to me. I couldn’t see his face the way I saw his brothers face.

My heart hurt because of this.

I touched Wilbur’s skin the way I did with my first born. The gentlest touch –
my fingers hovering over his mouth to feel his breathing.

Short fast breaths
I listen closely to the rhythm and imagine his dreams like little paintings on a canvas.

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I didn’t recognise you at first but I kept searching for you. 

 

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Nothing has changed much since I last visited Autumn. A year has passed and the season looks the same as it did when Wilbur was born.

I recognise the air and the way it feels familiar with the intermittent sunshine lighting the afternoon sky. I know those misty mornings and darker evenings.

I know Autumn.

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As we walk down the uneven pathways I look closely at my one year old, kissing his plump baby cheeks. Holding his hands in mine I think about tomorrow, I think about the dying of the daylight being replaced with night glows I think about how once more I will whisper I love you in your tiny ear before you settle for the night .

I know those habits

I know those kisses and whispers in the night.

I know you.

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Our love is new it is unique and fresh, it is familiar yet different.

I have visited this feeling before but somehow it is original. I am no longer drowning in that reoccurring guilt or dwelling on comparing and questioning the strength of my love.

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Flash back to the early days, a typical kitchen scene with pots and pans bubbling and boiling the chaos part of the walls.
I plonked you in your swing chair and carried on stirring arranging plates and wiping tops. Before your eyes grew heavy I knelt down  in front of you my hair tied back like a wiry knot on top of my head a tea towel thrown over my shoulder. Your eyes widened , big blue saucers.

I notice you always.

My heart grew bigger

bigger

(October 2016)

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I have stopped searching now my Autumn child.

 

 

Details of post: 

Photography taken by my amazing and talented friend Gemma Butterworth 

Her photos are the route to my thoughts and inspire me to write. 

Find her here – https://www.instagram.com/gemma_butterworth/

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/butterworthandenglish%20/ 

 

 

 

 

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5 comments so far.

5 responses to “Autumn Child.”

  1. Oh Hannah! You write so beautifully and so honestly, this is just perfect x

  2. Carol says:

    Aww just lovely I really feel the words you write Xx

  3. Maisie says:

    Hannah his is so beautiful and honest and open, you talented lady you xxx

  4. Nicole says:

    What a beautiful honest post! He is delightful! Love your channel and your blog. Nicole (from Sydney, Australia, also mum of two 🙂)

    • ordinaryhannahlucy says:

      Hi Nicole, Thank you for taking the time to read this post it is so nice to hear you enjoy my blog and channel 🙂 Hope you have had a nice weekend with your little ones are they similar age to mine? Much love xx

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