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Autumn Child.



I swam in darkness with my legs dragging behind me.

Barely floating

The emotion was messy and unwanted like frayed edges of a loose stitch. I was not
I was sad. 



It was as if getting to know my second baby was something unnatural to me. I couldn’t see his face the way I saw his brothers face.

My heart hurt because of this.

I touched Wilbur’s skin the way I did with my first born. The gentlest touch –
my fingers hovering over his mouth to feel his breathing.

Short fast breaths
I listen closely to the rhythm and imagine his dreams like little paintings on a canvas.


I didn’t recognise you at first but I kept searching for you. 




Nothing has changed much since I last visited Autumn. A year has passed and the season looks the same as it did when Wilbur was born.

I recognise the air and the way it feels familiar with the intermittent sunshine lighting the afternoon sky. I know those misty mornings and darker evenings.

I know Autumn.



As we walk down the uneven pathways I look closely at my one year old, kissing his plump baby cheeks. Holding his hands in mine I think about tomorrow, I think about the dying of the daylight being replaced with night glows I think about how once more I will whisper I love you in your tiny ear before you settle for the night .

I know those habits

I know those kisses and whispers in the night.

I know you.

IMG_3141 (1)
Our love is new it is unique and fresh, it is familiar yet different.

I have visited this feeling before but somehow it is original. I am no longer drowning in that reoccurring guilt or dwelling on comparing and questioning the strength of my love.


Flash back to the early days, a typical kitchen scene with pots and pans bubbling and boiling the chaos part of the walls.
I plonked you in your swing chair and carried on stirring arranging plates and wiping tops. Before your eyes grew heavy I knelt down  in front of you my hair tied back like a wiry knot on top of my head a tea towel thrown over my shoulder. Your eyes widened , big blue saucers.

I notice you always.

My heart grew bigger


(October 2016)


I have stopped searching now my Autumn child.



Details of post: 

Photography taken by my amazing and talented friend Gemma Butterworth 

Her photos are the route to my thoughts and inspire me to write. 

Find her here –

Facebook – 






8 comments so far.

8 responses to “Autumn Child.”

  1. Oh Hannah! You write so beautifully and so honestly, this is just perfect x

  2. Jil Valentine says:

    When I read the first sentences of your text i thought it was a quote. So beautifully und sensible, i waited for the author to be named. Then I realised it was written by you and I honestly was really overwhelmed because wow, what an extraordinary Talent you have there. Such a tender and and poetic yet simple and without exageration. I struggle to find words because i cant speak english good enough to express what i think. I just stumbled here and got touched. Feeling sad at the moment i feel your words broke up the knot and i can release the pain.

    • ordinaryhannahlucy says:

      For some reason I have only just seen this and am so blown away by your kind words. I have struggled to write for so long but seeing this comment has given me such a boost – thank you so much. I hope you are well xx much love to you

  3. Carol says:

    Aww just lovely I really feel the words you write Xx

  4. Jasmine says:

    Absolutely beautiful Hannah! You have such a way with words. Xxxx

  5. Maisie says:

    Hannah his is so beautiful and honest and open, you talented lady you xxx

  6. Nicole says:

    What a beautiful honest post! He is delightful! Love your channel and your blog. Nicole (from Sydney, Australia, also mum of two 🙂)

    • ordinaryhannahlucy says:

      Hi Nicole, Thank you for taking the time to read this post it is so nice to hear you enjoy my blog and channel 🙂 Hope you have had a nice weekend with your little ones are they similar age to mine? Much love xx

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