A letter owed to you from you.
You are not old – you have said this for the past 6 years. Worry less about the number that defines how long you have breathed on the earth and focus on what you want to do with your time.
Please stop looking for flaws you have always been your own worst enemy, convincing yourself your thighs are too big or spending too much time searching for wrinkles.. hating your freckles and generally hating yourself.
Find happiness in what you have. Over thinking is dangerous so just let it go.
Accept your scattyness it is not a terrible quality it is just part of you. But perhaps invest in a diary you will actually use.
Don’t worry about the bad days or the empty days I like to think of those unproductive days as hormone days. The days when everything seems to go wrong and you feel highly strung. You hate those days but for your hormones it’s a fricken’ holiday so let the day unfold and look forward to a better day.
You are your mum when you start hovering at 8am – no one cleans at this time. Look around yes there are piles of weetabix on the floor from yesterdays breakfast and perhaps the cats fur balls are creating tumbleweeds on the surfaces but remember how much you disliked your mum always stressed with housework. Embrace the chaos and use your time well.
You love baking it relaxes you – don’t go for long periods without experimenting in the kitchen.
Don’t stop Francis from staying in your bed just because everyone tells you you are building a rod for your own back. Of course you are but you are all happy Francis is secure and you are content knowing that.
Make time for your relationship. Get the photo albums out and flick through old times, play your records and sip wine this is what makes you both connect so don’t stop.
Stop feeling guilty this is something that WILL age you, take yourself away from social media as it haunts your decisions until you eventually convince yourself that no matter what you are doing it is probably wrong. You and your Son have a fantastic bond and even when mistakes are made you pick up and start again and that is what life is.
Keep reading pretentious literature it makes me feel clever.
You are not sad or depressed you really are just having a bad few days.
Stop pushing your friends away or making excuses.
Soft play will always feel like a sweaty nightmare but there will be a time when Francis outgrows this so just suck it up and try to avoid that slide your bum gets stuck and it all gets a little awkward when Harry or Archie want to go down.
You loved that band you were in you loved the way your voice sounded with the guitar and how your lyrics matched your feelings .. well just because you are getting older and have other commitments find that part of you it gives you a glow.
You like wine but wine does not like you.
Life will find a way
Blogging is not your thing you have a terrible track record and you can’t seem to keep it up but you try and that is all that counts. Sure you wont join the bloggers club and go to swanky meet ups but if it makes you happy do it but when it becomes a chore and makes you unhappy don’t sweat.
The memories you have the ones you revisit, those classic little snippets of life what are they? They are simple little things small moments that have left an imprint in your mind.
The time your mum gave you your sisters friends birthday present because you were feeling left out. Or the time your teacher picked you up and gave you the biggest hug because you cried over your test. When your dad told you your make up was really quite horrific and that your freckles were pretty. Drinking too much with your sister and eating your mum’s pre-made dinner for the next day in your drunk state. The smell of your university books and the feeling of change that came with it. Telling him you loved him. Holding your first Niece. Discovering your favorite band and seeing them play. Playing games at Christmas with your nan who always drinks too much whiskey, those long drawn out debates that end with you and your sisters making jokes to lighten the mood. The first scan. Meeting your baby and holding those tiny hands – feeding him and wondering how I did this. The look in your mans eyes when you gave birth a gentle nod of proud approval and that smile that kind of scared ‘we got this’ kind of smile.
You don’t need to have everything so stop wanting more – you have everything you need and these moments will continue.
Be you and be happy.
P.S Talking to yourself is perfectly fine.