I swam in darkness with my legs dragging behind me.
The emotion was messy and unwanted like frayed edges of a loose stitch. I was not
I was sad.
It was as if getting to know my second baby was something unnatural to me. I couldn’t see his face the way I saw his brothers face.
My heart hurt because of this.
I touched Wilbur’s skin the way I did with my first born. The gentlest touch –
my fingers hovering over his mouth to feel his breathing.
Short fast breaths
I listen closely to the rhythm and imagine his dreams like little paintings on a canvas.
I didn’t recognise you at first but I kept searching for you.
Nothing has changed much since I last visited Autumn. A year has passed and the season looks the same as it did when Wilbur was born.
I recognise the air and the way it feels familiar with the intermittent sunshine lighting the afternoon sky. I know those misty mornings and darker evenings.
I know Autumn.
As we walk down the uneven pathways I look closely at my one year old, kissing his plump baby cheeks. Holding his hands in mine I think about tomorrow, I think about the dying of the daylight being replaced with night glows I think about how once more I will whisper I love you in your tiny ear before you settle for the night .
I know those habits
I know those kisses and whispers in the night.
I know you.
Our love is new it is unique and fresh, it is familiar yet different.
I have visited this feeling before but somehow it is original. I am no longer drowning in that reoccurring guilt or dwelling on comparing and questioning the strength of my love.
Flash back to the early days, a typical kitchen scene with pots and pans bubbling and boiling the chaos part of the walls.
I plonked you in your swing chair and carried on stirring arranging plates and wiping tops. Before your eyes grew heavy I knelt down in front of you my hair tied back like a wiry knot on top of my head a tea towel thrown over my shoulder. Your eyes widened , big blue saucers.
I notice you always.
My heart grew bigger
I have stopped searching now my Autumn child.
Details of post:
Photography taken by my amazing and talented friend Gemma Butterworth
Her photos are the route to my thoughts and inspire me to write.
Find her here – https://www.instagram.com/gemma_butterworth/
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